the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
