I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
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I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
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Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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