You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
our cab driver is having phone sex.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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