Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
