I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
