I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
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And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
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Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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