if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Boobs are out for the taking
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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