hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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