A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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