This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
