i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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