so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
