You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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