Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
