how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
