1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
