No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
