So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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