At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
