Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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