So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you traded sex for a burrito?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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