If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
