he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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