K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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