Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
