just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
