YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
