Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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