marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
