Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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