it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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