I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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