I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
