note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
so much tequila, so little girl.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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