It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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