So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
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Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
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I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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