I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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