I'm lost and stupid without you.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
