Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
