I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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