we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
