Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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