I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
