I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
