turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
