his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
