my phone needs a breathalizer
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
These tits shall not be calmed
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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