i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
