There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
