good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
