I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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