dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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