He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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