and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
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In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
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She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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