it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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