I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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