My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
