you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
