There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
